RACE
There is a gambling establishment over in Cripple Creek called The Virgin Mule. I looked up at its marquee from the sidewalk and it struck me as strange. I never thought of a mule having sex, since mules are the sterile product of the union between a horse and a donkey. When I saw the sign I thought, “Do mules screw?”If not, then The Virgin Mule is simply redundant. On the other hand, if they do screw then it’s a pointless activity except for the erotic pleasure it gives the mule. I would expect that a virgin mule is about to figure this out, like a naive lad walking into a gambling establishment. I smiled and walked in with Madonna’s Like a Virgin playing in my head.
Horses and donkeys are different species, not different races, but they somehow make a very productive union. The male donkeys tend to be a bit more into this kinky screw-another-species thing than do the male horses. I suppose I can understand that. But if they can do an inter-species screw then I should be able to do an inter-racial screw. I know, how about Whitney Houston! Her and me would look just like a donkey on a mare, don’t you think?
Speaking of getting you some on the dark side, I think that the real reason us southern boys did not want to give up slavery had more to do with love than with hate. Just look at all the black Americans who have white noses. In fact, why is it that when we are supposed to hate another race we still like to screw their women?
OK, I want all the white men to go look at themselves in the mirror and say, "I would not like to own a bunch of African-American women that I could have sex with anytime that I want to."
Recently, this white guy named Tony Romo started playing quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys football team. He is unusually athletic and I guess that one racist view might be that if you are that athletic you must have some black in you. Michael Irvin, who is black, and who is a loveable idiot commented in regards to Tony Romo:
"He doesn't look like he's that type of an athlete," Irvin said of Romo. "But he is. He is, man. I don't know if some brother down in that line somewhere, I don't know who saw what or where, his great-great-great-great-grandma ran over in the 'hood or something went down."Dan Patrick tried to suggest to Irvin that he shouldn't go there, but Irvin was having none of it, continuing:
”If great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandma pulled one of them studs up out of the barn, 'Come on in here for a second,' you know, and they go out and work in the yard. You know, back in the day."On the other hand, one of Irvin's teammates named Neon Deon is a black football player who a lot of people don’t like because he is narcissism personified (Like you couldn’t figure that out from the name “Neon.”). At one time, he was the fastest player in the National Football League. Fast, because he's black, right. Funny thing is that he also had one of the highest IQs in the game.
Intelligent?
What?
But…come on.
I know, maybe his great, great, great, great, great grandma snuck on over to China Town for some egg fu young, you know, back in the day.
So why is race an issue?
Everyone knows that black people are less intelligent and steal things. Also, we know that white men can’t dance and they sure as hell can’t jump. What about the Mexicans? They screw like rabbits, don’t they? And that’s bad, right? Oh, and Asians are smart. Also, Native Americans are alcoholics. Well, that last one is actually kind of sad and true and one of the many bad things that us pale faces inflicted on the engines through a horrible combination of economic oppression and genetic sensitivity.
My brunette fiancé complained that it was offensive when some guy asked her, “Are all Russians blonde?”
She goes on to say, “I won’t allow my son to marry an American woman. They are no good and they don’t dress well.” I don’t know if that is jealousy or prejudice, either way, but I think it could be a nasty combination of both.
She goes on to comment, “Jews in Russia often conceive children with their first cousins. That’s why so many of them are retarded.” There is a pause and being that my name is Levystien I expect the word “Not” but instead she continues, “I know this for a fact because my mom told me so.” Her mom, you know, the woman who paid $200 for a one-month supply of ginseng.
I have an idea. Why don’t we start hating people with blue eyes? I think it means that you can’t trust them. You know, if their eyes are blue then they are trying to hide something. Those lousy blue-eyed bastards! Who do they think they are?
Race is an issue because our species is social and runs around in groups. In a world with limited resources, various groups of humans end up fighting for survival. Those that survived were the ones who could organize and defend their territory the best. Defend their territory against outsiders, you know, people who are different.
I mean “different” in lots of ways other than skin color. Way back in the day, skin color was not a huge issue, but more on that in a minute. Anyways…No fault, no blame but they are our ancestors. The nice guy who had an open mind and invited all those sand niggers to dinner did not pass on his genetic material.
That’s it. That’s the only reason we are programmed to hate people that are different. All that other stuff like, “He’s a black man so he must be a thief,” is just made up to rationalize our predilection to be prejudice. Hating people from other groups is a natural instinct in humans but it doesn’t make a lot of sense to us so we make stuff up to make it make sense. Does that make sense?
Fortunately for Levystien, racial rationalizations are so many and so funny that you can get away with writing an entire chapter about them. Of course, you have to be Jewish in order to be funny. See.
Before we go any further we need to understand some basic definitions. OK, there is white and then there is black. There is also Mexican. My demented Texas grandmother used to always say in a loud voice when in public, “Is that a nigger or a Mexcan?”
OK, I guess there are also sand niggers and wops and spics and limeys and chinks and engines and Eskimos. Yeah, what about the Eskimos...isn’t there a derogatory way to refer to Eskimos? How sad, no one cares enough about the Eskimos to make up a nasty name for them. I guess a derogatory name is actually a very sincere form of flattery. How about that?
Actually, the most insulting thing that you can do has nothing to do with hate at all. You see, there is love and then there is hate. Don Henley says hate is just love disappointed. Love and hate are both intense emotions that seem to be two sides of the same coin. If you really want to insult someone try using apathy. No emotion at all. Don’t care if they live or die. Not even interested in them in any way. Apathy is cruel. Apathy is how Stupid Levystien treats his future mother-in-law.
OK, definitions…Who is black? What if you are a black albino? Are you really black? Exactly how black must you be in order to be black? How about if you are lily white with an Afro and a big dick? Didn’t there used to be a name for a light skinned black person? High yellow or something…no, high-yeller, I think you need that southern accent in there. Passin’, I think was another way to describe a white black man. What if you are black with a white nose…like Denzel? What if you are totally white but really like fried chicken?
If it’s hard to define races then where did the idea of races come from? Is the concept even legitimate? Are the races really any different from one another?
Our species probably originated near the equator on the African continent where skin pigment is a plus due to extreme sun exposure. The species that would become the human species grew and developed and subsets migrated to places where direct sun exposure was less. In these places such heavy skin pigment no longer carried an evolutionary advantage. The end result was a world full of people with varying degrees of skin pigment.
This makes two points. One is that all humans belong to the same species. The blackest Negro and the whitest Swede have a common ancestor if you go back a little further than the barn, you know, “back in the day.” Sorry, I won’t say, “back in the day” any more. Actually, I probably will.
Second, subsets will have less genetic variability compared to the population that they are a subset from. Therefore, the most genetic variability today is on the continent of Africa in people with relatively high amounts of skin pigment. Excuse me, I mean highly variable amounts of skin pigment.
What is genetic variability? It means that if you examine any human characteristic and observe the very last individual on both sides of the bell-shaped curve then the distance between these individuals is the variability. This distance is a little bit larger in a group of 5 million Africans than it is in a group of 5 million South Americans. This is evidence that the South Americans are a subset of the Africans. It also means that blacks have the biggest dicks...Oh, and the smallest little tiny pee pees, too.
Bigger than Johnny “10-inch” Holmes?
…And smaller than Wee Wee Willy McCoy? (Ok, I just made this one up, sorry.)
If you measure human characteristics all over the world you will find that the tallest, smallest, longest, shortest, thickest, skinniest, smelliest and most fragrant all have African ancestry. But these are slight differences at the far ends of the bell curve. In general, if you take 500 relatively average Africans and 500 relatively average Swedes and measure characteristics there would be virtually no differences on most characteristics, except color of course. And we all know that the degree of skin pigment relates to IQ.
"Does this mean that the smartest man on the planet is Black!"
Yeah, it probably does."So why was Einstein a European Jew?"
First of all, Einstein was not the smartest man on the planet. In his grave he still doesn’t think that God shoots craps! (More on this in the Cosmology chapter.) He also suggested to our president that we make a nuclear weapon. A feat of stupidity unsurpassed even by Stupid Levystien!Einstein may have been the smartest man in Europe and, therefore, he had an opportunity to work with advanced physics at a quality university. (A university whose American football butt would be soundly beaten by the University of Texas, even without Vince Young.) However, on the other side of the world, the smartest man in Africa is still perfecting a potion to put on the tip of a spear that will more reliably bring down a gazelle. That was a joke; actually Desmond TuTu has retired from public life and primarily administrates his Peace Centre.
Sorry, I was trying to say that Desmond is the smartest man in the world not that he is running around chasing gazelles. I’m very ashamed of that accidental suggestion but leave it in this manuscript to point out how easy it is even for Stupid Levystien to be prejudice.
In regards to the Peace Centre, check it out at: http://www.tutu.org/
Damn, I guess I am selling something. I apologize for trying to promote peace in this world. I understand that my views do not represent the majority opinion.
Maybe Levystien is the smartest man in the world!---------Pause----------NOT!!
He even capitalized the second “T” in Tutu. What a moron.
The thought that is now in my head is, “OK, what were we talking about?”
Oh, yeah, RACE. In regards to race, I saw a bumper sticker on an old beat up car on Sixth Street in Austin, Texas, that read, “He who dies with the most toys wins.” This may sound silly but I think this guy, even though he’s a white guy with a Saddam style beard, is the smartest man on the planet. At least he knows what is the only race worth talking about.
If you don’t believe that then the Hebrew Hammer and me will come over and force you to watch The Way We Were 100 times, for no particular reason. Love that Streisand! She…she…makes me want to blow my nose. This reveals the level to which I have matured. As a boy, she used to make me want to pick my nose.
"What about Ebonics? This language that black people made up because they can’t speak good English. Doesn’t that prove that white people are superior?"
Actually, Ebonics like every other language is just as complex as the Queen’s English but with a bit less of the junk we have heaped onto the Queen. I mean onto the Queen’s English.
"But why can’t little Natasha speak good English?"
OK, let’s see, her parents are economically repressed and she isn’t allowed to go to the good schools or fraternize with people from affluent communities. Do you have any more stupid questions?
Actually, let’s ask that question in a different way. Does little Natasha speak good Ebonics?
Yes, she does. In fact, "She be better doin' Ebonics dan yo' honky ass be."
"What about all the spics and niggers that are in jail? Doesn’t that count for something? And what about the most confusing day in the Hood, you know, Father’s day?"
Come on, there is economic oppression or repression or whatever you want to call it all over the planet. It produces pretty much the same behavior no matter whether you are black, yellow, orange, purple, or pink with polka dots. Why would someone think that you can economically oppress a group of people and then say, “Why don’t they just go out and get jobs?” Or, that you can force a group of people to attend inferior schools and then complain that they don’t perfectly speak an ancient language that is heavily weighted down with altered and screwed up rules. Or, that you can strip the men in a community of their dignity and then wonder why they don’t hang around to be humiliated in front of their kids.
Let’s get back to variability. Within a race there is considerable variability but between races there is almost no variability. Sort of defeats the purpose of having races, doesn’t it?
But why is there almost no variability between races?
For one thing, we belong to a relatively young species. For example, we don’t have any offspring species that are closely related to us. At least the horses have the donkeys. In fact, as species go, we are pretty homogeneous. You really can’t find two groups of humans that are different enough to write home about.
Let me say it another way: To an anthropologist, we are all the same animal. We are like a bunch of horses in a pen that are white, black, brown, or white with brown spots. Actually, horses are a much older and more diverse species than are humans. Rather than being like all horses maybe we are more like a pen that is full of Morgan horses. They all have different colors but are all the same animal.
"So why do we make such a big deal about race? Have we always made such a big deal about race? "
Interestingly, no.
It is only recently in the history of humans that any big deal has been made in regards to race at all.
In my fiancé’s Orthodox church there are icons of saints all over the place and the funny thing is that half of them appear to be Asian or African or Arab. Some even appear to be a combination…you know, back in the day. OK, I really won’t say that again.
In the Episcopal Church that I grew up in (Yeah, I’m Jewish but I grew up Christian, so go figure.) there were pictures of Middle Eastern Jews from the bible but they all had white skin and blue eyes. Considering that my church splintered off from the Orthodox Church about 1000 years ago, I’m figuring that must chronicle the rise of racism.
We have always been prejudice but our prejudice used to be based on socioeconomic status or religion or language and not on skin color. Since the overwhelming majority of everyone was dirt poor, differently colored people mingled together like a pen of dogs from different breads. Dog breeds, in fact , aren't that genetically different from one another either. Funny thing is that they don't seem to mind but, you know, they're dogs.
In any case, as the middle class began to grow and more democratic forms of government began to succeed we lost our collective ability to be snobby simply due to nobility. More importantly, it was fun to have slaves and exterminate natives and confiscate land from other groups of humans so we needed a reasonable excuse for these activities. The ‘ol, “We is better than them,” argument.
There is a movie about life in South Texas called Lone Star. It takes place today but is about how the four races have mixed over time. White, Black, Mexican and Native. In this movie there is a white army guy who wants to marry a black army woman. They are in their forties and the woman says to the man, “My family thinks that because I’m unmarried and in the military that I’m a lesbian. They were ecstatic when they found out that I was getting married and it didn’t matter that it was to a white man.”
The guy then comments, “It’s always heart-warming when one prejudice supercedes another prejudice.”
Oh, come on, racism isn’t really a new thing…is it?
Do you remember the ancient Greeks and Romans? They were an “equal opportunity” society that enslaved people regardless of appearance. You could be pitch black and from Tanzania but if you wore Greek clothes and spoke Greek then you, by God, were Greek.
Do you remember the Jamestown colony? Do you remember John Rolfe? I know you remember the Powhatan princess Pocahontas. You probably even remember something about a huge outcry due to the union of these two young lovebirds. What you may not recall is that the thing that infuriated the British court had nothing to do with a Brit marrying an Indian. The problem was that a princess was marrying a commoner. In 17th-century England, social station was more important than physical differences.
Here is an amusing anecdote: Louis and Clark set out to explore the northwest part of the newly acquired Louisiana Purchase so they needed to bring along a slave to perform all the menial tasks. They brought with them a rather robust young African American stud. The Natives had never seen a Northern European or an African. A common practice among these tribes was to allow outsiders, who they believed to be especially robust, to impregnate their woman. I guess they wanted to add diversity to their gene pool. Between chalky white Louis and Clark and their muscle bound bronze slave, who do you think had his way with all the squaws?
We’ve spent all this time talking about the niggers and the fags but have totally ignored the bitches. If we are going to be prejudice against anyone, it should be the bitches. Even the niggers can agree on this. In fact, the third president of the U.S had a first bitch that wondered why we fought for freedom but then kept slaves. She says, in a letter to her husband: "How is it we are denying people that which we are fighting for ourselves?" Clearly, she knew not of what she spoke.
Also, she must have been unaware of her husband’s secret trips out to the shed. You know, back in the…OK, I won’t say it again.
Thomas Jefferson, who you would think would have been one of the most open minded and forward thinking men of his era, had slaves himself and commented publicly that he thought they were surely an inferior race. He called upon science to find proof of it.
I can only conclude that it’s our nature to be prejudice and we should not judge men negatively for acting according to their nature. You wouldn’t say that a dog is immoral because he kills and eats a squirrel. It’s his nature.
Here is a little anecdote in regards to the nature of the beast.
The Scorpion
There was once a scorpion that wanted to cross the river.
He asked a beaver to allow him to ride on his back
but the beaver said, “You will sting me and I will die.”
The scorpion said, “Why would I do that, we would both die.”
The beaver thought for a moment and then gave the scorpion a ride.
In the middle of the river the scorpion stung the beaver and the beaver shouted,
“Why did you do that?! Now we will both drown.”
The scorpion responded,“It’s my nature.”
Can we or should we be racially tolerant even though it goes against our nature?
Two things: First, it is our nature to be prejudice so don't be prejudice against someone for being prejudice. Second, just because it's our nature to hate people who are different doesn’t mean we have to do it. There are lots of things that we do that go against our nature. I don't think that democracy is natural and I know that thinking logically is not natural.
Racist viewpoints came to a head in the early 1940s when Hitler used this philosophy to justify his attempt at world conquest. It was amazingly easy to get all the dark headed brown-eyed Germans, like Hitler himself, to agree that blonde headed blue-eyed people are inherently better human beings.
In 1950, after the Holocaust, the United Nations issued an official statement declaring that race has no scientific basis and calling for an end to racial thinking in scientific and political thought.
No one remembers this declaration and it is surely of little importance.
